I read this little gem of a quote today and it really hit home....I haven't posted on here for a while because I have been struggling horrendously again at the moment. In fact, I can't remember a time when I wasn't struggling. My degree is really suffering, and so is everything else, and I must admit I found it hard to think of anything positive at all to post on here. Enter the quote of the day 'You haven't failed until you quit trying'. And I realised something...I'm not ready to quit trying yet - hooray for that! And even better, that means that I haven't failed yet - double hooray!!!
I know that this blog is supposed to provide inspiration and happiness, but I really think that some comfort can be provided in me just explaining a little about how badly I have been doing lately. This isn't to spread misery and dispair, trust me that's the last thing I want to do, but because I know that if it were me reading this blog, I would take comfort in the fact that someone else is having a rough time too, and I would feel less alone. Their strength would give me strength. And so I hope my words can be for any of you out there struggling at the moment...
Well where to begin....my depression has come back with a-vengence, and my binge eating too. Not that they really ever went away, but I seem to be able to 'keep them at bay' some times better than others. I was alone in the house last week while my mum and sister went away for half term, and I didn't leave the house for the entire week. I missed a weeks worth of lectures - which, in a maths degree, is a hell of a lot of lectures! I missed my second test so far this term, and my second missed assessment hand in. I didn't see anyone all week. And oh boy did I binge. This week hasn't been too much better despite the return of my mum and sister. I am drowning in work, and all the time my mum is telling me to seek help etc, but I just don't have the energy. I have my dissertation draft in next week, and 3 tests, and I am so far behind in lectures I just don't see how it will be feasible. The only silver lining is that I only have 4 more weeks left ever - but its not actually silver lining, as that means 6 weeks until my exams which are 80% of my degree. And not only do I have to revise, I have to pretty much learn the material from scratch. I really don't think I can do it, I really don't...but on the plus side, I haven't quite given up just yet. Oh and to top all that, my brother is getting married in 8 weeks and everyone is preparing and excited except me...I am still gaining weight...
But, as I keep saying, I am not going to quit trying. I have been searching far and wide for some self help groups recently. I am finding it harder and harder to discuss things with friends and family, partly because I hate leaning on them so often for so long, partly because I hate them constantly seeing this weak version of me, and partly because, quite simply, a lot of the stuff they just don't understand. Anyway, I have found a depression self help group I am going to try, but they only run every fortnight. I have also decided to try an eating issues support group. *takes deep breath and hopes no judgement is passed*...I have decided to go to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. I have been considering it for a while, and all the literature I have read and advice I have seeked has just served to convince me that my bingeing problems are exactly like an addiction. I don't adhere to the treatments which claim the bingeing needs to be 'phased' out. For some that may work. But for me, food is like alcohol is to an alcoholic. I need to try each day at a time, and not give myself any excuses like 'I haven't done it in a while so I can today'. Food becomes all consuming for me; walking into a shop feels akin to an alcoholic walking into a bar...there is so much temptation everywhere. and oh my desperation to be ABLE to binge some times throws my moral compass right out the window. I have stolen (from my family), both food and money to get food, I have spent money I don't have and got into trouble with the bank, I have spent money which was given to me to get my doctors note...etc etc. This isn't me! I know someone who has had similar problems to me: anorexia, depression, binge eating, and she goes to AA meetings and has done for years and says that the strength and support is invaluable. So i decided to look for a local AA or OA meeting, and found one not far from here on a saturday morning - perfecto. I am going this saturday, and I am going to see it through. I am also going to go to the depression alliance self help groups fortnightly, but the next one isn't until the following weekend.
One final thing I have decided to do, which I won't say much about as I realise that religion isn't for everyone, is attend the monthly 'healing mass' at our church. I am a Catholic and already go to church each sunday, but on the first tuesday of every month our church has a healing mass, and I have decided to start going each month.
Anyway, just thought I would update you...and remind you that no matter how much we fall down, or how often, the most important thing to do, and the most amazing sign of our strength is that we keep picking ourselves up.
love to all
xxxx
I can so identify with the issues of depression and binge eating. You are quite right relating binge eating to alcoholism: food can be addictive too. I have been sugar binging again lately; I had it under control for a while, but this last year (very stressful) has brought it back to the surface.
ReplyDeleteThere are online and facebook communities for issues such as depression. You might find these forums helpful, too. You can access them whenever, and be anonymous, too.
I know the pressures of graduate work! Can you a "dispensation" for missed classes/work so you can catch up.
Anyway, never worry about blogging how you really feel; people will understand that there are the bad days, as well as the good days!
Stay focussed; keep blogging when you can; and don't "beat yourself" I know it's hard sometimes to be good to yourself.