Friday 11 February 2011

If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best!

A quote from the lovely Marilyn Monroe today!

It's been over a week since I last posted, and its not for lack of having things to say, I am just so tired at the moment I don't know what to do with myself. After about a week of being too tired to do anything other than drag myself to uni (think its my increase in medication) I have realised its probably not going to get much better, so here I am posting on a friday evening having been up since 6 to do the commute to birmingham for my 9-5 lectures, and only back about an hour ago. That's dedication.

One of the main reasons for me doing this blog, although it might not seem like it, is to try and help me to become less self involved and remind myself by reminding others to look for the positive and the inspiration, rather than dwell on the negative. I tell you this because todays quote is actually something I would like to tell a friend after how she has been feeling this week, but I know that what I have to say will benefit me and (hopefully) some other of you out there...

Failure. We all feel we are failing sometimes, or when things get really tough, our failings can seem overwhelming and we begin to DEFINE ourselves as a failure. I can tell you right now the majority of people that suffer from depression or eating disorders are perfectionists by nature. We seek to strike the perfect balance of everything in our lives, to be a perfect friend, a perfect girlfriend/boyfriend, a perfect daughter/son, a perfect mother/father...the list goes on. It is so unrealistic that every relationship in your life will be going well at one particular moment in time, but we berate ourselves for it, and feel that *we* should have been the better friend, its our fault, we failed at our role. And it can be overwhelming, trying to juggle all the relationships in our life in the exact correct way - trust me, its like trying to walk along a knife edge. Let me tell you something though, the people that really love you, the people that really care, they don't think any less of you when you are less than perfect. And those that do get upset with you, those unsupportive friends/mothers/boyfriends...etc that are out there, well, if they can't handle you at your worst, they sure as HELL don't deserve you at your best!

The truth is, the people who really know us, and I mean truly to the core, they see us at our best even when we aren't. Thats how I see you, my lovely friend. I see you as the best version of yourself that I know you are, even when you may not be being what you class as the best version of yourself, the perfect version, the one who is a perfect friend. I don't change my opinion of you because of how you may have behaved in a week/month/year. you could not speak to me for a year and i would not think you failed me as a friend. I would know you needed to prioritise other things. and isn't that what true friendships, which are the basis of any relationship, are about? To not be offended but to innately know that our friendship is not in jeopardy. ever.

so, anybody out there reading, if somebody in your life cannot cope with you when you are the worst version of yourself, as Marilyn says, they certainly do not deserve you when you are the best. no exceptions.

xxxxxx

Friday 4 February 2011

Every Night Has It's Dawn

This quote taken from Poison's 'Every Rose Has It's Thorn' and it's a ray of hope to me right now to be honest. I feel like I am stuck in the night. Did you know that in winter the Arctic has 24 hours of nighttime? That's what my life feels like a bit right now, and as any of you that suffer from depression know, this isn't just the case for me. But 'every night has it's dawn', every winter turns into spring, and every darkness turns to light...I take comfort in the fact that any periods of black depression in our lives must too have an end at some point.

I really like to think of myself as in the nighttime of my day. It provides optimism that soon the darkness will fade. Not that being in a dark period of our lives means that everything is bad. I quote from Stephanie Meyer (naughty I know, having two quite contradicting quotes in one day!) 'Without the night we would never see the stars.' There are definitly stars in our lives that we don't see or fully appreciate until we are in a period of darkness. These can be the obvious - friends and family - but they can also be other methods of comfort. For me I like to write. I perhaps wouldn't write so much if I didn't have so many difficulties, and I know that most of my best poetry has come from some of my lowest points in my life. The dark times of my life have helped me find other hobbies and talents, which to begin with serve as a form of escapism, but in the long run they take on a life of their own! I think its really important to try and remind ourselves that no matter how bad things get, there are always glimmers of hope and positivity in our lives. This week has been one of my worst for a long time, but I have been reminded how amazing and lovely my family and friends are. I have been reminded what my limitations are.

So guys and girls out there, please don't ever give up. I know that we can feel weak, and despairing, and out of fight...but really every night does have its dawn, and so the sun will rise on the day time of our life at some point. We just have to hang on in there, and blindly struggle on until it does. But it will. I can assure you of that.

xxx

Thursday 3 February 2011

Love Thy Neighbour...

Whether you are religious or not, I am sure that the majority (if not all) of you out there are familiar with the commandment from the Old Testament of the Bible 'Love thy neighbour as you love yourself'. The commandment transcends religion and is an attitude adopted by most people; to treat others as you would like to be treated.

Recently, however, I have thinking that maybe 'Love yourself as you love your neighbour' would be more appropriate for someone suffering from mental health issues. My struggles, failings, and weaknesses over the years have resulted in me treating others with more of an open mind, more sensitivity, more compassion and more forgiveness than I could ever have imagined. But I remain unable to treat myself in the same way! We are so hard on ourselves guys, and treat ourselves and our opinions and feelings with so much less respect than if they were a friends'. I have several friends who have had difficulties over the years, and I don't view that as a sign of their personal weakness, like I view my issues as a sign of mine. I see them as strong and resilient...and if they are having a hard few days, I don't berate them or think this equates to them being a failure as a person - I feel sympathy and love and mostly just want to give them a big hug and remind them how wonderful they are. So why when I am having a bad day or a bad week, month or year, do I hate myself for it? Why do I think I *should* be stronger? Why do I think this makes me worthless and that I am a disappointment to myself and everyone around me. Why do I let my difficulties define me?

I have a really close friend who is experiencing some difficulties at the moment. I hate that she is struggling and think that she doesn't deserve it. But I don't see her as anything less than the very best that she can be, even when she isn't that girl. I admire her strength, and her ability to keep fighting. I think she is incredible for everything that she has to endure at the moment and everything that she is accomplishing in spite of it. Yet I get angry at my own friends and family when they tell me they are proud of me. Proud of me for what? It shouldn't be an acheivement to get through a set of university exams, it should be a normality, I should take it in my stride. It shouldn't be an acheivement that I am getting through the weeks, that should be natural. Why does it make me feel so small and such a waste of space that I should be pleased for managing small things?

We are so unforgiving and ready to hate ourselves, that is why. I have begun thinking to myself, how would I feel if the situation was reversed? My friend I mentioned is currently doing her first year of work, and she is basically doing her teacher training and first year of teaching AT THE SAME TIME. I am proud of her and amazed at how well she is coping in spite of everything, but that doesn't mean that I think that is the limit of her capability. Just at this moment in time, under these particular circumstances, she should be pleased with how she is doing. I hate that people are proud of me for getting through a day/week/term, so how can I be proud of her for it? Because when people tell ME they are proud, I assume that they think that this is the best that I can be. And it isn't.

The more I think about it, the more I realise how destructive a self-hating attitude is. If my friend had a bad day, I wouldn't shout at her, I wouldn't insult her, I wouldn't be hard on her. I would show her love and support. So we should try and extend this to how we behave to ourselves when we are less that the person that we want to be. Treat yourself how you would treat your neighbour, and not the other way around! Take time to treat yourself when things go wrong. You DO deserve that bath, that new nail varnish, that evening out. You don't have to punish yourself constantly. Next time you get angry or disappointed or sad for yourself, take a minute to think how you would react to a friend, and try to behave in a similar way towards yourself!

xxxx

Wednesday 2 February 2011

Let's Try Defying Gravity

Yesterday's post didn't happen, and if I am absolutely honest, today's almost didn't either! Despite it being my birthday today, I am not in a good place at all. I know that we all have different names or descriptions for how our depression feels, and mine is called my black hole. I call it a black hole as I feel exactly like I am being pulled towards the darkness, and the closer I get to the black hole,and the more vulnerable I feel, the more gravity tries to suck me in with all its might, and the more futile my efforts at resistance become. My depression feels like there is nothing on earth I could do to fight it, just as you can't fight gravity. I feel like I am sucked into oblivion and god knows how I ever get out again...

Enter today's quote 'Let's try defying gravity'. The quote is taken from the musical Wicked which tells the story pre Wizard of Oz from the wicked witch's point of view. The musical, and the particular song I am referring to, Defying Gravity, actually have nothing to do with depression. Other than my love of musicals, and the general feel good aspect of this one especially, the words of the song do provide a purpose today. The song is all about being at rock bottom, and having no where to turn, and no other choice, but to try defying gravity, i.e. doing the seemingly impossible. And this, my dear readers, is exactly what I need to do. I need to be able to defy gravity in order to stop myself getting sucked in by my black hole. I understand that the concept is an incredibly difficult one, but it is absolutely not impossible.

So whenever I feel low, I am going to try playing this song on repeat and I really urge you to do the same. Somehow things don't seem so hard with a bit of feel good musicality in the background! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlMBcTGJ4YM
Let's hope it gives me the strength to fight, because fighting my depression really does feel like I am trying to fight gravity: it is relentless, never ending, and exhausting. If i rest but for a moment gravity will suck me down into the black hole again.


xxxxx
P.S Another good song I always find helps me is 'I'm on my way', by the proclaimers, purely for the single lyric 'I'm on my way, from misery to happiness oh yeah', which seems to be permanently a fitting description of my life!